Felix's Story
by Mr. TJS
Summary: Learn a lesson from Felix...or just laugh at the utter silliness of this story.


Felix Nightingale was a good wizard student. He had good wizard grades, and was at the top of all of his wizard classes. Not to mention he was captain of his house's Quidditch team. All of his wizard and witch friends looked up to him. They saw him as a good wizard influence and a good wizard role model.

One day, Felix was returning to the Gryffindor common room when he saw some of his wizard friends drinking potions.

"Hey gang," said Felix, "What's that you're drinking?"

"Oh, it's just wizard Acid," said his friend, Roger Marx.

"Wizard Acid?" Felix asked Roger, "What's that?"

"Well, it's a special kind of potion," Roger replied. Felix's other friends giggled.

Felix suddenly remembered hearing about wizard Acid in his potions class.

"Wait," said Felix, "isn't that stuff illegal?"

"Yeah, sort of," said Roger, "but it's only illegal if you get caught. Come on, try some."

"Well, I don't know," said Felix. He looked around to his other friends. They nodded at him in encouragement. Among them, he saw Judy Greenhaven, a witch who he really had a crush on. This seemed like his shot to impress her.

"You think I could try some?" asked Felix.

"I don't know," said Roger, "Think you can handle it?"

"Of course I can handle it!" In reality, Felix had no idea what Roger was talking about. But he didn't want to look stupid in front Judy. It would ruin his shot at getting with her and showing her some _real_ magic. If you know what I mean. Oh yeeaaah. Ahem. Sorry about that.

"Well here you go," Roger said as he handed the silver goblet to Felix.

Felix lifted the acid-filled goblet to his lips, and began to drink. He downed the whole entire goblet, but when it was empty, nothing special seemed to be happening. _Special kind of potion, my arse_ Felix thought to himself.

"I don't see what the big deal--" Felix didn't finish the sentence. Suddenly, everything around him began swirling, as if he were in a moving painting. Bright colors replaced the visible light he was used to seeing. He looked to Roger, and saw that his wizard friend was no longer human. Instead, he was a green and purple fish that was wearing a hat with a Canadian flag on it. In fact, Felix wasn't sure whether it was even Roger. Trippy. A few seconds later, the Canadian fish disappeared, as did everything else. All was black.

Suddenly, Felix awoke from his psychadelic nightmare and found that he was in the hospital wing. He also saw Madame Pomfrey walk past his bed.

"Excuse me," Felix said to her, "What happened?"

"Don't talk to me, you filthy junkie!" Madame Pomfrey snapped at him. "I think you know very well what happened!"

"Uh...huh?" Felix asked.

"Wizard Acid," said Madame Pomfrey, "What in Wizard God's name is wrong with you children these days?"

Wizard Acid! Suddenly, Felix remembered what he had done.

"Am I okay now?" Felix asked Madame Pomfrey.

"Well yes, physically," she replied, "I wish I could say the same about your career."

"What do you mean?" Felix desperately didn't want Madame Pomfrey to say what he thought she was going to say. She did.

"You've been expelled," she said in a cold voice.

Felix suddenly felt his entire life crashing down around him.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he cried. But it didn't change anything. He had been expelled from Hogwarts. His wizard career had been ruined. And that wasn't even the worst of it. When he got home, his wizard father beat the living wizard shit out of him with his wizard belt. Then, his wizard parents took his wizard TV and his wizard computer out of his wizard bedroom. They even took away his wizard cellular phone, and they sold his owl Fluffy to an animal shelter, so he had no way to contact any of his wizard friends. And it was all because he had made one stupid mistake.

When Felix turned 17 years old, his wizard parents kicked him out of the wizard house. He tried to find a part-time wizard job, but no one would hire him because he didn't have a wizard education. So he got a part-time muggle job, but was soon fired because he didn't wash his hands after using the restroom. He tried to see if he could attend any local community schools of witchcraft and wizardry, but they were too expensive. He just didn't have the knuts. Or the galleons. Or the sickles.

Felix had reached a dead end. One day, he was walking around Diagon Alley asking people for spare wizard change. Like always, no one gave him any. He even tried telling people he was a veteran of the Second Wizarding War, but he could not convince anybody. Fed up with his miserable wizard life, he broke into Ollivanders, stole a wand, and Avada Kedavra'd himself in the head. Which killed him. The end.

Wizard Acid. Just don't do it, man.

THIS HAS BEEN A WIZARD PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.

BROUGHT TO YOU BERTIE BOTTS, INC. (C) ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED REPRODUCTION OR REDISTRIBUTION OF THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT (MAGIC OR NON-MAGIC) WILL RESULT IN A FINE OF OVER 9000 GALLEONS AND/OR UP TO 5 YEARS IN AZKABAN.


End file.
